Lies

Call this blasphemous if you want. See if I care...

(Verse 1)

You let me down

A far cry from the lies

That I never believed...

This lie was just unique to me

Stepped right into the trap

The raw end of the deal

Sawed the branch off and fell

Now Ive got a shot gun to my head

And your wondering why

(Chorus)

I told you I was fine...

Well right I lied

Now I´m burning up inside...

Ice freezing up the places

Between the empty spaces

In my mind

Now I´m letting go,

Want you to know...

(Verse 2)

It´s my choice this time

You want me gone, thats fine

I´m writing, go away..

And the gun´s still to my head

And while your wishing i was dead

You might as well pull the trigger for me

Cause my maker threw me out in the cold

(Chorus)

I told you I was fine...

Well right I lied

Now I´m burning up inside...

Ice freezing up the places

Between the empty spaces

In my mind

Now I´m letting go,

Want you to know...

(Bridge thing)

That I tried on my own

Still loved Him alone

But His love He revoked

Just as we spoke

Turned His back, and I fell

He sent me to hell

And the gun´s to my head

Cuz I dont want to end up there...

Not Worth My Time

Defy me, you dared

Didnt think I´d do it

I flipped you a bird

Yes that pretty little bird

That made your color rise

Oh so strikingly

You dare defy me??

I am your God! You dream to be

As good as I.

And then proceeded to 

Fuck me up, once again.

Beaten socially, bruised mentally

You thought I´d leave,

Tail ´tween legs in shame.

Fucking bastard. Wrong again.

Did you miss the birdie?

Oh, that pretty little birdie?

Here, have another.

One more will do.

Wrath, furry, you think i care?

You think i fucking care, 

What you say or you do?

Fuck you.

You think I´m lower than you?

Bastard.

I´m so much better than you.

Go fucking people up

Just to make you feel better about you.

Whos got the low esteem now?

You´re faltering, thats good

Put you in your fucking place.

I hate you, you know, I do.

Time to turn the world against you.

And if I cant? 

So bloody what?

I couldnt give a fuck about you.

The Blue Scarf

There he stood - all of 7 years old - his forehead scrunched up over his brimming eyes, bravely fighting off the quiver that threatened to overtake his bottom lip. Silently, from his spot at the table, he watched the other happy children with their new toys. He tried to remember why he had so desperately looked forward to this party. Vaguely remembering impatiently hopping from one foot to the next, tugging on his mummy´s jacket sleeve because she couldnt seem to get out the door fast enough. Clutching his contribution to the present pile, breathlessly impatient, eager to see what his present at the kids bingo game would be...

He scrunched up the piece of cheap, shiney blue cloth in his left hand, crumpling it up into a ball, as if he wished it would dissapear. His brimming, blue eyes looked over his circle framed glasses. A scarf. A shiny, silver theraded blue scarf. All that excitement shattered in one revealing moment. Discarded gift paper covering the room, and everyone so, happily oblivious...

I watched as the boy as he silently fought back the tears, roughly throwing the beautiful dark blue scarf across the table, as if trying to compensate the crippling disappointment with feigned nonchalance. I hurt for him, I did. The sad, puppy dog eyes scanning the crowd of kids, hoping, maybe to find someone who would actually appreciate the shiny blue scarf, maybe hoping someone would trade. I remembered so clearly the stinging pain of dissapointment... the blinding tears that threatened to blind my eyes, the parents failed attempts at comfort and reasoning, all the while fighting the dead, dull pain in the center of my chest. Dissapointment. No child should ever suffer through it. 

I wanted to take him in my arms and hold him, I wanted to take away that suddenly hideous scarf and give him the world. I wanted him to be happy. His mother took his hand, as he fumbled into his little, down jacket, the pinched up face never changing, the hideous, hideous scarf again clutched in his hand. His shoulders slumped in defeat as they passed me by and left the school. Just another child, just another moment of life. Another sad, dissapointing moment. 

How I wish I could have done something. And more than anything, how I wish I were a child again, with a toy of my own to give him, to somehow make him forget about that hideous, horribly beautiful, shiny blue scarf. 

The End Is Better...

Time for another cliché unoriginal nugget of thought. But it moves me, it does. Can you feel it? Cuz I can... Screaming tones, stirring the sorry cauldron of emotion that it did not fail to create within, all the while scoffing the bitter tears streaming down that it so fool-hardily created. Why? Cruel notes... A moments respite, just a moment, I beg. Must you rip my tattered heart to shreds? Growing, approaching on the airwaves, slamming against the sad mirage of me. Yes, me. The moment´s numb respite blasted to screaming, knee bending pain. "In your mind you hear the screaming, telling you to leave it all behind..." You feel it now? Of course you dont. You would never know. Bitter, bitter tears. The end seems better... "but in your heart you can't stop dreaming, that someday the pain will end, and the strain will die..." It comes again. Stiring the cauldron, spinning the whirlwind, standing ground. Arched back, hands clenched, screaming to the sky... why?

The end is better... than this.

(Credits: lines taken from song "Requiem For a Dream - Immortality by Death")

A Beautiful Night

"Wretched darkness feel my pain..." the hastily scratched words blurred before her eyes, and she roughly rubbed away the black rivulettes that had been slithering down her hot cheeks for what seemed like forever... Really, she felt half foolish for the way she was acting. But, another side of her wanted this... wanted it so badly. The wind whispered in the tree branches above her head, rustling the leaves and casting eirie shaddows on the ground below the dainty, pure white glow of the candle clutched, ever so gently, in her left hand.

Her right hand grasped a quill - black as night. They had laughed at her because of it. They just didnt understand, that was all. She felt foolish again. She knew better than to think like that, but at the same time...

Fresh tears streamed down her cheeks, the dark, black tracks turning translucent grey as most of the dark liner ran away. She DID know better. Why did she feel like this? She was supposed to be above it.

The angry, red welts all down her arms and shoulders made her shudder. She COULD blame the music, but wouldnt be totally correct. She´d done it to get to this state. She HAD wanted it, and shed done what she had to do to get it.

She felt she heard someone speaking. It was just the wind, whispering sweet nothings to the earth. But then again... celestial sweet, she felt it calling to her. The wind´s gentle arms wrapped around her, whipping her hair gently, coaxing her out of the cowering knot shed become. She stood, slowly, the wind wrapping veils of nothingness around her every limb, grabbing her hand, leading her into the dark openness of the hilltop.

She dropped the candle in silent elation, flame flickering in the sudden motion, yet, not going out. She saw, out of the corner of her eye, the yellowed, tear stained page, full of the sorrows of her mind, flash in glorious death, the flames kissing away every stab of pain, numbing her soul to the sorrows of her heart.

Yet the wind pulled her further, all the while singing, whispering, sweet promises in her ears. Leading her ever higher up the hill, carying her, supporting her, till the whispering wind convinced her that she could fly. Higher and higher still, to the cliff´s edge it led her, coaxing her, breathing sweet lies to her mind. she hestitated, for a moment, it looked so far down. The wind calmed, waiting, just waiting.. for one, two, three! The violent gust stunned her so. So full of malice, so much hate... Like, like the gentle wind, wanted to kill her... NO! Her eyes widened, her mind awoke, everything slowed... her body propelled, slowly, slowly... tumbling down...

The wind stilled; the stars returned; the moon shone again, with all its gentle glory. Not a sound in the silence stirred. Yes.. it was a beautiful night.

After 5 Years (I Miss You)

I dont know why I love you, but I do
The side of me you bring...
Pulling tears from deep inside,
When I should be happy,
Yet I still am.
I miss you.

Do I dare to admit, to myself,
That I love you a bit more,
Than I really should?
Missed opportunitys
And broken dreams
I miss you.

I´d forgotten the feeling, you.
But you re´woke the longing
I told myself I hated you
But I just cant
Nothing of me is truely mine
I miss you.

Endless... 5 years have gone so fast,
But a beat of the heart for us...
Moments we shared...
I miss your touch.
How can I say I´m alive?
I miss you.

Forever... a lifetime left to wait,
Makes me wish it would end today...
Just to see you,
To feel your love
I´m crying... I´ll never survive.
I miss you.

Deserted

Uprooted from
The safest place
That I have known for all my life
Scared of the road
Dont want to go
But I chose this path
It´s just for me
I want to go, but
It´s just too soon...
I´m not prepared -
What have I done?
Doubts, too late
And never knowing what will be...
Or how this bend in
Life will treat me
I´m scared, I want
To turn back, but I cant
It´s too late for that
What will be will be
Stepping into the dark...
God make me strong
I´m sorry I deserted thee.

Empty Worlds

A poem I realized I had but never posted. I LIKE IT ALOT. I wrote it in an insanely noisy bar during a Barca/Madrid match in Madrid. How it came out, i dont know. Inner essence being demanded to give a hand.

Life bleeding down

Life beating down

The muttered curse thats never leaving,

In the icy ground

Under earthen mound

A silent tear, forever grieving

My heart is bound,

To you, I've found,

Piece by piece my soul you're theiving.

Those arguments sound,

Like brews I've downed,

From witches lair in cauldron seething.

What goes comes 'round

My thoughts confound,

Broken feelings, barely breathing.

Felonies abound

All honesty drowned,

In empty worlds not even dreaming...

Follow

ok i know this is insufferably long... but it all just kinda came in a flash. Theres no rhyme or reason to it. And you wont understand it. Just take it as is.

FOLLOW
I dont care if what I have is good
I want to be where you are.

I sat before, and dreamt of rain
Of thunder so loud I´d run, hide in shame
Because that´s how it seemed,
In all those scenes,
Of you. Where you are.

So I followed you there.
But you had gone.
To somewhere else, where the sun would shine
At least I guessed,
For the immages were night.

But I was unhappy.
Because I wanted what you had.
To be where you were.

So I gave up my rain,
And my thunder so loud
And my lightning that flashed from
Cloud to frightful cloud...
To chase you down - to find you.
For I wanted to be "happy". Just like you.

But I didnt find. No nothing at all.
Just sun. Endless sun.
And you were gone. Again.
To lands unseen.
While I waited, ever so patiently
For the cool that night should bring.
And hopefully, the happiness
That I´d been missing.
The happiness you should have left.
The happiness that was you.
But it never came.

And I, in torment, grew dark.
Darker and darker still,
Till I blocked out the sun.
Then the cool came.
Oh and did it come
Icy cold it was, deep in the soul.
Because I could not find your world of happiness...
I created my own, of hate.

Then I saw you, in another place
That place no longer looked happy
But I wanted what you had.
And because it was so full of sadness,
I laid my cheek to the cool stone and wept
But I followed you still,
Because I wanted what you had.
Because I wanted to be like you.

Now you´ve gone completely.
My life should be empty, the void you´ve left.
But its not...
Because I hate you.
I´ve smashed the mirrors of my dreams
I´ve burnt the books of my desire
It´s all gone.

And all thats left from your lofty mutilation
Is the empty core of what was once me.
Eaten through, like a cankerous cancer,
My heart is withered,
My spirit faded.
See the work of your invisible hands.
Leave the shell that I´ve become.

Now I´ve gone my own path.
Now, you follow me.

Permanent Damage

Downing caffine,
Trying to bring back the spring
In my step, but it´s gone
Permanently.

Exhausted, and, un-naturally so,
Ran dry the normal enegery flow
And the reserves too, they´re gone
Permanently.

Try and fix me, and you´ll see
The life that´s bleeding
Right out of me, is going
Permanently.

It´s not my sleep - that´s just fine
It´s something more, but I cant find
The source, its hiding
Permanently.

My spirit? Could it be?
Is it dying? So slowly
Creeping away, leaving
Permanently?

The Beastling

It sees me
I´m fearing
I´m crouching, it´s nearing,
Searing my tearing eyes with
Spite from it´s leering smile...

The feeling
Sent reeling
It´s feasting, the beastling,
It´s eating my insides, and slowly,
I´m decomposing...

Try fleeing
I´m cowering,
It´s looming, over-powering
I´m dying, its feeding
On my mind´s fragile binds...

Four New Songs

AMNESTY

Contemplation
The things I wont release
In the midst of the battle
The fighting´s all but ceased.

Degeneration
The summer´s gone with the sun
The rising fears are mixed with tears
They´re falling, falling away from the Son.

(Chorus)
God the Father
Christ the Son
(Forgive me, forgive me)
The things I will not do,
The things I will not do...

Father could you forgive
An un-repentant child?
Would you grant an amnesty
For my foolish viles?

Proove me wrong again
Where is the light?
Proove me wrong again
There is no light...

(repeat chorus)

Grand me amnesty
The things I will not do...


GAME OVER

(God forgive me, for I have sinned...)
I left so many things undone when I left You,
Trying to end the fear with the dark
The fear and the pain,
It makes me fly
Killing this feeling
So much for the warior in me...

(Chorus)
I cant go on
Not being reborn
It´s the end of the game
It´s the end of the game
Game over
I can´t go on
Not being reborn
It´s the end of the game
Game over

I left so many things undone when I left You
I tried to be strong
I tried to be brave
Killing this feeling
So much for the warior in me...


FAINTLY FADING

Faithless, falling, dead again
Fearing fleeing the seas, but when
The waves, they come
To take me away
I run away
To be another day

(Chorus 1)
Not just another in the tide
Another in the tide

Now beats the winds call, it´s fading away
Faint, but pealing, to Hell I´ve strayed
They´re callng me
Before, I would have run
The waves, they come
I sink under the Sun

(Chorus 2)
Now just another in the tide
Another in the tide


THE BLACK

I can´t take this rejection anymore
The scars my heart wears
I beared to you my body
You took it as a sacrifice

(Chorus)
And now I´ve gone
Far away from here
My soul is uncovered
I´m believeing a lie
And now I´m strong
Stronger than the fears
My mind wants the black
I´m saying goodbye...

Why can´t you understand
Sometimes I just need to cry
These tears are long overdue
All I needed was love from you

(Repeat chorus)

Missing the Magic

A flash and its past
The magic has flown
The songbird so gaily
Flits gently away.

A beat and a call,
Of the wild wind, blowing
Untouched by the gale
Raised its head just to wail.

A cry and a moan,
Birthing child´s aborted,
They dont want you fool,
Life is just, but cruel.

A sigh and a tear.
Swallowing down fears
Missed wings to a lifetime
Going down with the sunshine.

Forgetting Never Soothes

This empty soul
That I call my own
This one that wants to be free.
The one that wants to
Leave the ground and grow wings.

This empty soul
That wants to feel
But in denial rejected his love
And after a time
Forgot it all

This empty soul
That burns like a brand
forgetting never soothes the pain
Its hanging there
Just out of reach, again.

This empty soul
It´s froze like ice
Fears the tear that´d melt its core
It fears because
It´s happened before

This empty soul
That shakes in fear
Scared, alone, and in the dark
Secretly longing for
Some infintesimal spark

This empty soul
That yearns to climb
Higher than the mountain peaks
But fears the wind
Bars what it seeks

This empty soul
That wants to leap
Off the cliff of broken dreams
But fears the world
Will hear its screams

This empty soul
That wants to lie
Alone in its insanity
But fears the end in
Beguiled humanity.

Life as it Was

The floodgates are open

And I can no longer hide

From the wave of consequence

The eyes that I´d shut

Beyond my will have been opened

This heart once numbed now screams in pain

And when I ran I hadn’t known

This circle I´d begun

Would end up at the beginning again

Tried to drown my spirituality with things

But those will fade away

Leaving bare the bones of what once was.

Now the demons torment me

In their clutches they have me

Is my life, as it was, now gone forever…?

Slipping

Scenarios... we sometimes use them. Dont go judging my mind by what I´ve written. I try to see into other minds... pull out what I find... And weave it into words. Here is one result - "Slipping"

The lights are dim, the night so grim

Left behind from what once was

Soul torn till tears seem to beautifully glow

Slipping…

Fly away, they call me,

Hither and thither, quiet haunting

Pills and blades have paved the road

Slipping…

Dripping life, dropping knife

Terrified screams, tardy hesitations

Oh mummy, oh daddy, forgive me

Slipping…

Beautiful pain, remorse behind

Craving the bright light all while

Smothering evil darkens eyes, so bleary

Slipping…

Too late, too late, love so lost

Returns to glimpse the final breath

Agony, cries, heart wrenching screams

Slipping…

He rises, cries burn the throat

Never has loss seemed so eternal

Bullet carves the path to dreams

Slipping…

My 2 me´s...

My two me´s.
They´re both inside
The wrong and the terribly right.

My two me´s.
Both completely true
Seen by many or just a few.

My two me´s.
Fighting inside me.
The dark making the light flee.

My two me´s.
Trapped together now;
Neither being the one to bow.

My two me´s.
Crying just to be
Tired of hiding what is simply me.

My two me´s.
Dying for respite
Begging rest from all this fight.

My two me´s.
Evil hideously mine
Feeling light fleetingly fine

My two me´s.
Never again to doubt
Evil´s hand moving me to shout

My two me´s
All this world will give
Left me but half a life to live.

The Six Toenails - Parody to the Six Cookies

I once had six toenails on my feet - yea, mock me not, for I had six toes. These toenails have dear hidden tales to tell, i kidd you not. And they are very dear to me (yea, for they are my toenails).

The first toenail, yes, even the very FIRST toenail I ever possessed (grown with much care and love upon the very first toe I ever possessed... yes they grew one at a time) was a good toenail. It grew in the love and admonition of the Lord, with great fear and trembling lest it be chopped for ill behavior. I cannot say this toenail tasted very good for I never tasted it. Amen. But one day, this toenail betrayed and left me, and with great pain and anguish I watched it prise itself off my sole toe and walk away. (To my great astonishment. I´m still baffled as to how it walked without feet) I still love this toenail very dearly (for it was my very first toenail) though I do not know where it is.

Then there was my second toenail. Oh what joy and happiness it brought me, just to sit and look at it (though to crane my neck like such gave me such cramps that I couldnt partake of this particular activity all that often) But soon it became hard and calloused and decided to fall off. I still dearly love this toenail too, but it does not love me. For it is hard and calloused (it blames me, somehow) Tongues and weeping.

Then there was my third toenail. Oh what a gallant and noble toenail this was, chivalrous and deedful in many deeds. But it, one day, decided that it did not like being a toenail, and began to chip and flake, and ended up pretending it was a croissant instead.

Then the fourth. This toenail was exceptional for it was my largest. But this toenail was not content with its size. It wanted to be bigger. So it compelled itself to grow and grow, until it grew so large that it pulled off my toe (the reason I have but five toes on my left foot to this day) and bashed me over the head with it, leaving a big bruise.

That brings me to my fifth toenail. This toenail was wonderfully shaped. How rounded... how smooth!! I never touched this toenail but I knew it was wonderfully wonderful. But like all good things, this one wasnt mine forever. It retained its smooth roundness though, and all though it had to fall off and go elsewhere, I know it´s not gotten hard or calloused, and its not pretending to be a croissant. It´s still my toenail.

And lastly, my sixth toenail. This toenail is STILL with me to this day (The one and only that I have left) And as I sit and gaze at its wonderful toenail-ness (yea, for indeed it IS a toenail) I marvel at its wonderful commitment to my toe and, most of all, to myself. It DOES question, now and again, and wonder whether it is actually cut out to be a toenail, and whether it should go be a croissant, or even more so, a baguette, instead. But deep down inside its tiney little core, it knows where its true place lies. And that is, on my very own toe.

Puppet´s Strings

Fallen - but yet, all the more
Rotting, dying to the core
Searing souls just left to burn
I paid more pain than what I´d earned.

I feared the fear of mortal kind
I felt the hurt but went on blind
I wanted just as they all want
But now I´ve done and they all taunt.

As if I were worse than all the rest
I did what they´ve all just suppressed.
Lying as if from angel´s wings
Hope´s been strangled on puppet´s strings.

Past the point of no return
Just too late for me to learn
A sin´s a sin, more, once discovered
Had I known I wouldn't have bothered.

Lust let to itself will grow
when what you reap is what you sow
Quizzed on all my deepest fears
Drove me to leave it all in tears

Expectancy driven madly towards
Blood stained hands and twisted chords
Shattered lights fly off the wall
Beings created after the fall.

Failed to grasp what had been tried
Stopped before the moment died
Bled my heart into your hands
Bowed down low to their demands.

Confessed it all without saying a thing
Ran from judgments life would bring
They´ll steal my dreams, foolhardy theft
When nothing else of me is left.

Decipher... If you can.

For outlet alone...
Do not wait for me;
The life and times
Of the criminal at large
Does not revolve around you.

No pressure, no privilege
No pain, no gain;
Find yourself lost
Find yourself a bain.

I will not listen to you.

Silent continuation of a haunting evil...

2 sides to me
Black and white
Day and night
Wrong and right
Fighting, always fighting
Back and forth
Back and forth

Left to my own device
Both prominent at once
Jesus and those devil cunts
Left as a foolish dunce
Fighting, always fighting,
Back and forth
Back and forth

Relying on moods and trust alone
Pushed way too far
Light headed thoughts that leave a scar
Hating eachother and the way things are
Fighting, always fighting,
Back and forth
Back and forth