A Letter...

Get out of my head – please.
I said goodbye.
Leave me in peace.
Don’t make it harder for me, please
I already have to live with my guilt,
And the knowledge that I failed You.
So please.
Get out of my head…

It hurts deep in my chest
Did You know that?
Course You do. You know everything.
I know You love me.
For sanity’s sake I beg You to stop.
I don’t want Your love.
That’s why it hurts so much,
Didn’t You know.
I would rather You hate me.
Punish me for my failure
Strike me where I stand.
I deserve it.

The pain constricts my throat
I cant even swallow.
Why does this have to be so hard?
Goodbye should have been final
Get out of my head, damn it,
GET OUT.
I don’t want You here
I don’t love You, no I don’t
I have to tell myself that every second
To make myself believe it.
I’ve left You, I’ve failed You.
Don’t tell me You love me
Because the saddest thing is,
I still love You too.

I know that I can’t make it
Without You.
Let me crash and burn.
Played with fire and now I have to pay.
With my own hands
I smashed myself to pieces.
Why do You have to love me?
Why do You have to cry for me?
Me?
Why do You reach out, so tenderly,
Try to put the fragments back together.
All the while I’m slapping away the hands
That used to hold me so tenderly,
So lovingly…


I was an angel once, Your angel,
Not that long ago.
I’ve fallen now, smashed my wings.
Why, WHY do You still love me?
I’ve rejected You.
Shouldn’t You hate me?
You should.
Just waiting here, for Your righteous anger
Because I can’t live with
The shame, of denying You
End this, please…
Just get out of my head.
Because I can’t live with the pain
Of still loving You.

Lies

Call this blasphemous if you want. See if I care...

(Verse 1)

You let me down

A far cry from the lies

That I never believed...

This lie was just unique to me

Stepped right into the trap

The raw end of the deal

Sawed the branch off and fell

Now Ive got a shot gun to my head

And your wondering why

(Chorus)

I told you I was fine...

Well right I lied

Now I´m burning up inside...

Ice freezing up the places

Between the empty spaces

In my mind

Now I´m letting go,

Want you to know...

(Verse 2)

It´s my choice this time

You want me gone, thats fine

I´m writing, go away..

And the gun´s still to my head

And while your wishing i was dead

You might as well pull the trigger for me

Cause my maker threw me out in the cold

(Chorus)

I told you I was fine...

Well right I lied

Now I´m burning up inside...

Ice freezing up the places

Between the empty spaces

In my mind

Now I´m letting go,

Want you to know...

(Bridge thing)

That I tried on my own

Still loved Him alone

But His love He revoked

Just as we spoke

Turned His back, and I fell

He sent me to hell

And the gun´s to my head

Cuz I dont want to end up there...

Not Worth My Time

Defy me, you dared

Didnt think I´d do it

I flipped you a bird

Yes that pretty little bird

That made your color rise

Oh so strikingly

You dare defy me??

I am your God! You dream to be

As good as I.

And then proceeded to 

Fuck me up, once again.

Beaten socially, bruised mentally

You thought I´d leave,

Tail ´tween legs in shame.

Fucking bastard. Wrong again.

Did you miss the birdie?

Oh, that pretty little birdie?

Here, have another.

One more will do.

Wrath, furry, you think i care?

You think i fucking care, 

What you say or you do?

Fuck you.

You think I´m lower than you?

Bastard.

I´m so much better than you.

Go fucking people up

Just to make you feel better about you.

Whos got the low esteem now?

You´re faltering, thats good

Put you in your fucking place.

I hate you, you know, I do.

Time to turn the world against you.

And if I cant? 

So bloody what?

I couldnt give a fuck about you.

The Blue Scarf

There he stood - all of 7 years old - his forehead scrunched up over his brimming eyes, bravely fighting off the quiver that threatened to overtake his bottom lip. Silently, from his spot at the table, he watched the other happy children with their new toys. He tried to remember why he had so desperately looked forward to this party. Vaguely remembering impatiently hopping from one foot to the next, tugging on his mummy´s jacket sleeve because she couldnt seem to get out the door fast enough. Clutching his contribution to the present pile, breathlessly impatient, eager to see what his present at the kids bingo game would be...

He scrunched up the piece of cheap, shiney blue cloth in his left hand, crumpling it up into a ball, as if he wished it would dissapear. His brimming, blue eyes looked over his circle framed glasses. A scarf. A shiny, silver theraded blue scarf. All that excitement shattered in one revealing moment. Discarded gift paper covering the room, and everyone so, happily oblivious...

I watched as the boy as he silently fought back the tears, roughly throwing the beautiful dark blue scarf across the table, as if trying to compensate the crippling disappointment with feigned nonchalance. I hurt for him, I did. The sad, puppy dog eyes scanning the crowd of kids, hoping, maybe to find someone who would actually appreciate the shiny blue scarf, maybe hoping someone would trade. I remembered so clearly the stinging pain of dissapointment... the blinding tears that threatened to blind my eyes, the parents failed attempts at comfort and reasoning, all the while fighting the dead, dull pain in the center of my chest. Dissapointment. No child should ever suffer through it. 

I wanted to take him in my arms and hold him, I wanted to take away that suddenly hideous scarf and give him the world. I wanted him to be happy. His mother took his hand, as he fumbled into his little, down jacket, the pinched up face never changing, the hideous, hideous scarf again clutched in his hand. His shoulders slumped in defeat as they passed me by and left the school. Just another child, just another moment of life. Another sad, dissapointing moment. 

How I wish I could have done something. And more than anything, how I wish I were a child again, with a toy of my own to give him, to somehow make him forget about that hideous, horribly beautiful, shiny blue scarf. 

The End Is Better...

Time for another cliché unoriginal nugget of thought. But it moves me, it does. Can you feel it? Cuz I can... Screaming tones, stirring the sorry cauldron of emotion that it did not fail to create within, all the while scoffing the bitter tears streaming down that it so fool-hardily created. Why? Cruel notes... A moments respite, just a moment, I beg. Must you rip my tattered heart to shreds? Growing, approaching on the airwaves, slamming against the sad mirage of me. Yes, me. The moment´s numb respite blasted to screaming, knee bending pain. "In your mind you hear the screaming, telling you to leave it all behind..." You feel it now? Of course you dont. You would never know. Bitter, bitter tears. The end seems better... "but in your heart you can't stop dreaming, that someday the pain will end, and the strain will die..." It comes again. Stiring the cauldron, spinning the whirlwind, standing ground. Arched back, hands clenched, screaming to the sky... why?

The end is better... than this.

(Credits: lines taken from song "Requiem For a Dream - Immortality by Death")

A Beautiful Night

"Wretched darkness feel my pain..." the hastily scratched words blurred before her eyes, and she roughly rubbed away the black rivulettes that had been slithering down her hot cheeks for what seemed like forever... Really, she felt half foolish for the way she was acting. But, another side of her wanted this... wanted it so badly. The wind whispered in the tree branches above her head, rustling the leaves and casting eirie shaddows on the ground below the dainty, pure white glow of the candle clutched, ever so gently, in her left hand.

Her right hand grasped a quill - black as night. They had laughed at her because of it. They just didnt understand, that was all. She felt foolish again. She knew better than to think like that, but at the same time...

Fresh tears streamed down her cheeks, the dark, black tracks turning translucent grey as most of the dark liner ran away. She DID know better. Why did she feel like this? She was supposed to be above it.

The angry, red welts all down her arms and shoulders made her shudder. She COULD blame the music, but wouldnt be totally correct. She´d done it to get to this state. She HAD wanted it, and shed done what she had to do to get it.

She felt she heard someone speaking. It was just the wind, whispering sweet nothings to the earth. But then again... celestial sweet, she felt it calling to her. The wind´s gentle arms wrapped around her, whipping her hair gently, coaxing her out of the cowering knot shed become. She stood, slowly, the wind wrapping veils of nothingness around her every limb, grabbing her hand, leading her into the dark openness of the hilltop.

She dropped the candle in silent elation, flame flickering in the sudden motion, yet, not going out. She saw, out of the corner of her eye, the yellowed, tear stained page, full of the sorrows of her mind, flash in glorious death, the flames kissing away every stab of pain, numbing her soul to the sorrows of her heart.

Yet the wind pulled her further, all the while singing, whispering, sweet promises in her ears. Leading her ever higher up the hill, carying her, supporting her, till the whispering wind convinced her that she could fly. Higher and higher still, to the cliff´s edge it led her, coaxing her, breathing sweet lies to her mind. she hestitated, for a moment, it looked so far down. The wind calmed, waiting, just waiting.. for one, two, three! The violent gust stunned her so. So full of malice, so much hate... Like, like the gentle wind, wanted to kill her... NO! Her eyes widened, her mind awoke, everything slowed... her body propelled, slowly, slowly... tumbling down...

The wind stilled; the stars returned; the moon shone again, with all its gentle glory. Not a sound in the silence stirred. Yes.. it was a beautiful night.

After 5 Years (I Miss You)

I dont know why I love you, but I do
The side of me you bring...
Pulling tears from deep inside,
When I should be happy,
Yet I still am.
I miss you.

Do I dare to admit, to myself,
That I love you a bit more,
Than I really should?
Missed opportunitys
And broken dreams
I miss you.

I´d forgotten the feeling, you.
But you re´woke the longing
I told myself I hated you
But I just cant
Nothing of me is truely mine
I miss you.

Endless... 5 years have gone so fast,
But a beat of the heart for us...
Moments we shared...
I miss your touch.
How can I say I´m alive?
I miss you.

Forever... a lifetime left to wait,
Makes me wish it would end today...
Just to see you,
To feel your love
I´m crying... I´ll never survive.
I miss you.