Call

New song... fresh off the brain cells. Probably needs some tweaking but yeah... this is how it stands as of now. No music but the melody's all there in the grey matter... just need some good prof help to get it ground out and put to good use...


I hear your voice
Echoing off the walls
Whispering in my shattered mind
I feel your hands
In my hair
I want them there
I… want… you… here…

I know what they said
Those words they burn me
Scarring my ears
I, I cant believe
That your not there
Your just sleeping…


Call me when you wake up…
I know your just sleeping
Call me when you wake up
Though they don’t believe me
I know your there
I know your there


I felt the wounds
I saw you fall
I felt the darkness as if I were you
But that I was
And we were one
Of all the people shouldn’t I be the one
To know that they’re wrong

So call me when you wake up…
Please, I know your just sleeping
Call me when you wake up…
Cuz I cant find you
Call me when you wake up
I know your just sleeping
Call me when you wake up
They don’t believe me,
But I know your there
I know your there…
Please… be there

The Courtesan´s Game

"She hides the fact that she can love... hides the pain that that freedom left behind... hides it with the mask of courtesan..."

Enter observers
Fill out the ranks
Ques as far as the eye can see
Dim red lights -
Sensual? I think not.
All impatiently waiting for the same thing.

These foolish men
The game I play
All vying for this heart of mine.
Thinking they´ll succeed?
I think not.
But they´ll all have their turns in time.

There she lay,
The tight corsetté
Bossoms with sexual tension heaving
She loves the game?
Heavens, why not.
Yet behind the flirt lie dead eyes, pleading.

The game´s her life
She´ll not deny.
Yet under all, her heart is breaking
This broad´s a fake?
Surely, why not.
A heart that´s stolen, once was for the taking.

I´d drop them all
These foolish men.
So out of character they might say.
Stolen heart´s returned?
I think not.
But I´d leave them for him any day.

Yes, theres only one
She´s ever loved.
But that one is so far away.
Red lights sensual?
Hell, why not.
If it fills the void, and fuels the Play...

A Letter...

Get out of my head – please.
I said goodbye.
Leave me in peace.
Don’t make it harder for me, please
I already have to live with my guilt,
And the knowledge that I failed You.
So please.
Get out of my head…

It hurts deep in my chest
Did You know that?
Course You do. You know everything.
I know You love me.
For sanity’s sake I beg You to stop.
I don’t want Your love.
That’s why it hurts so much,
Didn’t You know.
I would rather You hate me.
Punish me for my failure
Strike me where I stand.
I deserve it.

The pain constricts my throat
I cant even swallow.
Why does this have to be so hard?
Goodbye should have been final
Get out of my head, damn it,
GET OUT.
I don’t want You here
I don’t love You, no I don’t
I have to tell myself that every second
To make myself believe it.
I’ve left You, I’ve failed You.
Don’t tell me You love me
Because the saddest thing is,
I still love You too.

I know that I can’t make it
Without You.
Let me crash and burn.
Played with fire and now I have to pay.
With my own hands
I smashed myself to pieces.
Why do You have to love me?
Why do You have to cry for me?
Me?
Why do You reach out, so tenderly,
Try to put the fragments back together.
All the while I’m slapping away the hands
That used to hold me so tenderly,
So lovingly…


I was an angel once, Your angel,
Not that long ago.
I’ve fallen now, smashed my wings.
Why, WHY do You still love me?
I’ve rejected You.
Shouldn’t You hate me?
You should.
Just waiting here, for Your righteous anger
Because I can’t live with
The shame, of denying You
End this, please…
Just get out of my head.
Because I can’t live with the pain
Of still loving You.

Lies

Call this blasphemous if you want. See if I care...

(Verse 1)

You let me down

A far cry from the lies

That I never believed...

This lie was just unique to me

Stepped right into the trap

The raw end of the deal

Sawed the branch off and fell

Now Ive got a shot gun to my head

And your wondering why

(Chorus)

I told you I was fine...

Well right I lied

Now I´m burning up inside...

Ice freezing up the places

Between the empty spaces

In my mind

Now I´m letting go,

Want you to know...

(Verse 2)

It´s my choice this time

You want me gone, thats fine

I´m writing, go away..

And the gun´s still to my head

And while your wishing i was dead

You might as well pull the trigger for me

Cause my maker threw me out in the cold

(Chorus)

I told you I was fine...

Well right I lied

Now I´m burning up inside...

Ice freezing up the places

Between the empty spaces

In my mind

Now I´m letting go,

Want you to know...

(Bridge thing)

That I tried on my own

Still loved Him alone

But His love He revoked

Just as we spoke

Turned His back, and I fell

He sent me to hell

And the gun´s to my head

Cuz I dont want to end up there...

Not Worth My Time

Defy me, you dared

Didnt think I´d do it

I flipped you a bird

Yes that pretty little bird

That made your color rise

Oh so strikingly

You dare defy me??

I am your God! You dream to be

As good as I.

And then proceeded to 

Fuck me up, once again.

Beaten socially, bruised mentally

You thought I´d leave,

Tail ´tween legs in shame.

Fucking bastard. Wrong again.

Did you miss the birdie?

Oh, that pretty little birdie?

Here, have another.

One more will do.

Wrath, furry, you think i care?

You think i fucking care, 

What you say or you do?

Fuck you.

You think I´m lower than you?

Bastard.

I´m so much better than you.

Go fucking people up

Just to make you feel better about you.

Whos got the low esteem now?

You´re faltering, thats good

Put you in your fucking place.

I hate you, you know, I do.

Time to turn the world against you.

And if I cant? 

So bloody what?

I couldnt give a fuck about you.

The Blue Scarf

There he stood - all of 7 years old - his forehead scrunched up over his brimming eyes, bravely fighting off the quiver that threatened to overtake his bottom lip. Silently, from his spot at the table, he watched the other happy children with their new toys. He tried to remember why he had so desperately looked forward to this party. Vaguely remembering impatiently hopping from one foot to the next, tugging on his mummy´s jacket sleeve because she couldnt seem to get out the door fast enough. Clutching his contribution to the present pile, breathlessly impatient, eager to see what his present at the kids bingo game would be...

He scrunched up the piece of cheap, shiney blue cloth in his left hand, crumpling it up into a ball, as if he wished it would dissapear. His brimming, blue eyes looked over his circle framed glasses. A scarf. A shiny, silver theraded blue scarf. All that excitement shattered in one revealing moment. Discarded gift paper covering the room, and everyone so, happily oblivious...

I watched as the boy as he silently fought back the tears, roughly throwing the beautiful dark blue scarf across the table, as if trying to compensate the crippling disappointment with feigned nonchalance. I hurt for him, I did. The sad, puppy dog eyes scanning the crowd of kids, hoping, maybe to find someone who would actually appreciate the shiny blue scarf, maybe hoping someone would trade. I remembered so clearly the stinging pain of dissapointment... the blinding tears that threatened to blind my eyes, the parents failed attempts at comfort and reasoning, all the while fighting the dead, dull pain in the center of my chest. Dissapointment. No child should ever suffer through it. 

I wanted to take him in my arms and hold him, I wanted to take away that suddenly hideous scarf and give him the world. I wanted him to be happy. His mother took his hand, as he fumbled into his little, down jacket, the pinched up face never changing, the hideous, hideous scarf again clutched in his hand. His shoulders slumped in defeat as they passed me by and left the school. Just another child, just another moment of life. Another sad, dissapointing moment. 

How I wish I could have done something. And more than anything, how I wish I were a child again, with a toy of my own to give him, to somehow make him forget about that hideous, horribly beautiful, shiny blue scarf. 

The End Is Better...

Time for another cliché unoriginal nugget of thought. But it moves me, it does. Can you feel it? Cuz I can... Screaming tones, stirring the sorry cauldron of emotion that it did not fail to create within, all the while scoffing the bitter tears streaming down that it so fool-hardily created. Why? Cruel notes... A moments respite, just a moment, I beg. Must you rip my tattered heart to shreds? Growing, approaching on the airwaves, slamming against the sad mirage of me. Yes, me. The moment´s numb respite blasted to screaming, knee bending pain. "In your mind you hear the screaming, telling you to leave it all behind..." You feel it now? Of course you dont. You would never know. Bitter, bitter tears. The end seems better... "but in your heart you can't stop dreaming, that someday the pain will end, and the strain will die..." It comes again. Stiring the cauldron, spinning the whirlwind, standing ground. Arched back, hands clenched, screaming to the sky... why?

The end is better... than this.

(Credits: lines taken from song "Requiem For a Dream - Immortality by Death")