Begging Is Something I Do Not Do.

I love you, even tho its all one sided
Eventually you may come around.
Or maybe not
But one can always hope.
I do what I can to make you want me.
I think of you every second of my day.
You say you do too, but how can I know for sure?
Say you feel the same, but your not good with words -
Let me show you how: I. Love. You.
Three simple words.
They're hard enough to say.
Believe me, I know.
I dont give them away easily.
It took me forever to muster up the courage
To face possible rejection, humiliation.
But I did it.
Why cant you?

Im young, Im immature. That is still no excuse
To be stuck in a rut, living in the past
Of hurts from former loves.
You blame me for their mistakes.
You put me in the box they built.
A box that held things that hurt you.
But they built it for themselves. Not for me.
Let me build my own little box that I can fit inside.
A box you'll like.
A box you'll keep.
Please.
Keep me.
Let me love you.
Love me back.
Ive never begged anyone for anything.
But I'm begging you now.
Love me.
And if you cant,
Then let me go.

Simply Me

There's an empty space in my mind

That's never been filled

I wonder now if it'll ever be -

I've tried this and that

One thing, then the next thing.

It's not like I'll write

About darkness smothering

And bloody red tears, just dripping -

I'm over that.

But the empty space is still there, consuming.

It's a muggy grey cloud

That cant be filled,

With posessions, people, things -

Not even happy friends, no.

When I'm in company I'm still alone, quietly.

I could ingore it, quite easily

More often than not

But my mind back to sharp focus always brings -

The silence that is my unique mortality

The silence that is, simply, me.

Because

When I die
Ill haunt you when you sleep
You’ll know I’m there.
The icy breath on your cheek
Will chill your warm beating heart
And comfort you in your silent sorrow

Because I’m there.

When I’m gone
Not a breath from my cold lips
And you hold my memory secretly dear
I’ll be there.
In the cold light of the winter dawn
In the untainted nights snow fall
The unexplained footprints’ll bring you peace

Because I’m there.

When I’m under the frozen earth
But a whispering memory over the hills
The strength of your heart will keep me there
In the shadow over the moon
In the mist outside your window at night
You’ll cry for me, but feel ever so near

Because I’m there.

I’ll be your ghost, your lucky charm
More with you than ever before
If you miss me, just cry
I’ll be there in your tears
Telling you stories as old as the hills
Telling you tales of us

Because I’m always there.

Stitches

I dont know why I wait

Eatting my heart out bite by painful bite

I have everything to hide

Im all alone

I dont know who you are

Evermore, served up my tender heart

On a plate, fork and knive

Gently beating

I dont know why I stay

Plucking the stings of my mind like a violin

Savor the sweet scream

It'll silence soon

I dont know where to go

Stitches holding my heart together unraveling

Crying crimson, pleading

Gasping, collapsing...

Call

New song... fresh off the brain cells. Probably needs some tweaking but yeah... this is how it stands as of now. No music but the melody's all there in the grey matter... just need some good prof help to get it ground out and put to good use...


I hear your voice
Echoing off the walls
Whispering in my shattered mind
I feel your hands
In my hair
I want them there
I… want… you… here…

I know what they said
Those words they burn me
Scarring my ears
I, I cant believe
That your not there
Your just sleeping…


Call me when you wake up…
I know your just sleeping
Call me when you wake up
Though they don’t believe me
I know your there
I know your there


I felt the wounds
I saw you fall
I felt the darkness as if I were you
But that I was
And we were one
Of all the people shouldn’t I be the one
To know that they’re wrong

So call me when you wake up…
Please, I know your just sleeping
Call me when you wake up…
Cuz I cant find you
Call me when you wake up
I know your just sleeping
Call me when you wake up
They don’t believe me,
But I know your there
I know your there…
Please… be there

The Courtesan´s Game

"She hides the fact that she can love... hides the pain that that freedom left behind... hides it with the mask of courtesan..."

Enter observers
Fill out the ranks
Ques as far as the eye can see
Dim red lights -
Sensual? I think not.
All impatiently waiting for the same thing.

These foolish men
The game I play
All vying for this heart of mine.
Thinking they´ll succeed?
I think not.
But they´ll all have their turns in time.

There she lay,
The tight corsetté
Bossoms with sexual tension heaving
She loves the game?
Heavens, why not.
Yet behind the flirt lie dead eyes, pleading.

The game´s her life
She´ll not deny.
Yet under all, her heart is breaking
This broad´s a fake?
Surely, why not.
A heart that´s stolen, once was for the taking.

I´d drop them all
These foolish men.
So out of character they might say.
Stolen heart´s returned?
I think not.
But I´d leave them for him any day.

Yes, theres only one
She´s ever loved.
But that one is so far away.
Red lights sensual?
Hell, why not.
If it fills the void, and fuels the Play...

A Letter...

Get out of my head – please.
I said goodbye.
Leave me in peace.
Don’t make it harder for me, please
I already have to live with my guilt,
And the knowledge that I failed You.
So please.
Get out of my head…

It hurts deep in my chest
Did You know that?
Course You do. You know everything.
I know You love me.
For sanity’s sake I beg You to stop.
I don’t want Your love.
That’s why it hurts so much,
Didn’t You know.
I would rather You hate me.
Punish me for my failure
Strike me where I stand.
I deserve it.

The pain constricts my throat
I cant even swallow.
Why does this have to be so hard?
Goodbye should have been final
Get out of my head, damn it,
GET OUT.
I don’t want You here
I don’t love You, no I don’t
I have to tell myself that every second
To make myself believe it.
I’ve left You, I’ve failed You.
Don’t tell me You love me
Because the saddest thing is,
I still love You too.

I know that I can’t make it
Without You.
Let me crash and burn.
Played with fire and now I have to pay.
With my own hands
I smashed myself to pieces.
Why do You have to love me?
Why do You have to cry for me?
Me?
Why do You reach out, so tenderly,
Try to put the fragments back together.
All the while I’m slapping away the hands
That used to hold me so tenderly,
So lovingly…


I was an angel once, Your angel,
Not that long ago.
I’ve fallen now, smashed my wings.
Why, WHY do You still love me?
I’ve rejected You.
Shouldn’t You hate me?
You should.
Just waiting here, for Your righteous anger
Because I can’t live with
The shame, of denying You
End this, please…
Just get out of my head.
Because I can’t live with the pain
Of still loving You.

Lies

Call this blasphemous if you want. See if I care...

(Verse 1)

You let me down

A far cry from the lies

That I never believed...

This lie was just unique to me

Stepped right into the trap

The raw end of the deal

Sawed the branch off and fell

Now Ive got a shot gun to my head

And your wondering why

(Chorus)

I told you I was fine...

Well right I lied

Now I´m burning up inside...

Ice freezing up the places

Between the empty spaces

In my mind

Now I´m letting go,

Want you to know...

(Verse 2)

It´s my choice this time

You want me gone, thats fine

I´m writing, go away..

And the gun´s still to my head

And while your wishing i was dead

You might as well pull the trigger for me

Cause my maker threw me out in the cold

(Chorus)

I told you I was fine...

Well right I lied

Now I´m burning up inside...

Ice freezing up the places

Between the empty spaces

In my mind

Now I´m letting go,

Want you to know...

(Bridge thing)

That I tried on my own

Still loved Him alone

But His love He revoked

Just as we spoke

Turned His back, and I fell

He sent me to hell

And the gun´s to my head

Cuz I dont want to end up there...

Not Worth My Time

Defy me, you dared

Didnt think I´d do it

I flipped you a bird

Yes that pretty little bird

That made your color rise

Oh so strikingly

You dare defy me??

I am your God! You dream to be

As good as I.

And then proceeded to 

Fuck me up, once again.

Beaten socially, bruised mentally

You thought I´d leave,

Tail ´tween legs in shame.

Fucking bastard. Wrong again.

Did you miss the birdie?

Oh, that pretty little birdie?

Here, have another.

One more will do.

Wrath, furry, you think i care?

You think i fucking care, 

What you say or you do?

Fuck you.

You think I´m lower than you?

Bastard.

I´m so much better than you.

Go fucking people up

Just to make you feel better about you.

Whos got the low esteem now?

You´re faltering, thats good

Put you in your fucking place.

I hate you, you know, I do.

Time to turn the world against you.

And if I cant? 

So bloody what?

I couldnt give a fuck about you.

The Blue Scarf

There he stood - all of 7 years old - his forehead scrunched up over his brimming eyes, bravely fighting off the quiver that threatened to overtake his bottom lip. Silently, from his spot at the table, he watched the other happy children with their new toys. He tried to remember why he had so desperately looked forward to this party. Vaguely remembering impatiently hopping from one foot to the next, tugging on his mummy´s jacket sleeve because she couldnt seem to get out the door fast enough. Clutching his contribution to the present pile, breathlessly impatient, eager to see what his present at the kids bingo game would be...

He scrunched up the piece of cheap, shiney blue cloth in his left hand, crumpling it up into a ball, as if he wished it would dissapear. His brimming, blue eyes looked over his circle framed glasses. A scarf. A shiny, silver theraded blue scarf. All that excitement shattered in one revealing moment. Discarded gift paper covering the room, and everyone so, happily oblivious...

I watched as the boy as he silently fought back the tears, roughly throwing the beautiful dark blue scarf across the table, as if trying to compensate the crippling disappointment with feigned nonchalance. I hurt for him, I did. The sad, puppy dog eyes scanning the crowd of kids, hoping, maybe to find someone who would actually appreciate the shiny blue scarf, maybe hoping someone would trade. I remembered so clearly the stinging pain of dissapointment... the blinding tears that threatened to blind my eyes, the parents failed attempts at comfort and reasoning, all the while fighting the dead, dull pain in the center of my chest. Dissapointment. No child should ever suffer through it. 

I wanted to take him in my arms and hold him, I wanted to take away that suddenly hideous scarf and give him the world. I wanted him to be happy. His mother took his hand, as he fumbled into his little, down jacket, the pinched up face never changing, the hideous, hideous scarf again clutched in his hand. His shoulders slumped in defeat as they passed me by and left the school. Just another child, just another moment of life. Another sad, dissapointing moment. 

How I wish I could have done something. And more than anything, how I wish I were a child again, with a toy of my own to give him, to somehow make him forget about that hideous, horribly beautiful, shiny blue scarf. 

The End Is Better...

Time for another cliché unoriginal nugget of thought. But it moves me, it does. Can you feel it? Cuz I can... Screaming tones, stirring the sorry cauldron of emotion that it did not fail to create within, all the while scoffing the bitter tears streaming down that it so fool-hardily created. Why? Cruel notes... A moments respite, just a moment, I beg. Must you rip my tattered heart to shreds? Growing, approaching on the airwaves, slamming against the sad mirage of me. Yes, me. The moment´s numb respite blasted to screaming, knee bending pain. "In your mind you hear the screaming, telling you to leave it all behind..." You feel it now? Of course you dont. You would never know. Bitter, bitter tears. The end seems better... "but in your heart you can't stop dreaming, that someday the pain will end, and the strain will die..." It comes again. Stiring the cauldron, spinning the whirlwind, standing ground. Arched back, hands clenched, screaming to the sky... why?

The end is better... than this.

(Credits: lines taken from song "Requiem For a Dream - Immortality by Death")

A Beautiful Night

"Wretched darkness feel my pain..." the hastily scratched words blurred before her eyes, and she roughly rubbed away the black rivulettes that had been slithering down her hot cheeks for what seemed like forever... Really, she felt half foolish for the way she was acting. But, another side of her wanted this... wanted it so badly. The wind whispered in the tree branches above her head, rustling the leaves and casting eirie shaddows on the ground below the dainty, pure white glow of the candle clutched, ever so gently, in her left hand.

Her right hand grasped a quill - black as night. They had laughed at her because of it. They just didnt understand, that was all. She felt foolish again. She knew better than to think like that, but at the same time...

Fresh tears streamed down her cheeks, the dark, black tracks turning translucent grey as most of the dark liner ran away. She DID know better. Why did she feel like this? She was supposed to be above it.

The angry, red welts all down her arms and shoulders made her shudder. She COULD blame the music, but wouldnt be totally correct. She´d done it to get to this state. She HAD wanted it, and shed done what she had to do to get it.

She felt she heard someone speaking. It was just the wind, whispering sweet nothings to the earth. But then again... celestial sweet, she felt it calling to her. The wind´s gentle arms wrapped around her, whipping her hair gently, coaxing her out of the cowering knot shed become. She stood, slowly, the wind wrapping veils of nothingness around her every limb, grabbing her hand, leading her into the dark openness of the hilltop.

She dropped the candle in silent elation, flame flickering in the sudden motion, yet, not going out. She saw, out of the corner of her eye, the yellowed, tear stained page, full of the sorrows of her mind, flash in glorious death, the flames kissing away every stab of pain, numbing her soul to the sorrows of her heart.

Yet the wind pulled her further, all the while singing, whispering, sweet promises in her ears. Leading her ever higher up the hill, carying her, supporting her, till the whispering wind convinced her that she could fly. Higher and higher still, to the cliff´s edge it led her, coaxing her, breathing sweet lies to her mind. she hestitated, for a moment, it looked so far down. The wind calmed, waiting, just waiting.. for one, two, three! The violent gust stunned her so. So full of malice, so much hate... Like, like the gentle wind, wanted to kill her... NO! Her eyes widened, her mind awoke, everything slowed... her body propelled, slowly, slowly... tumbling down...

The wind stilled; the stars returned; the moon shone again, with all its gentle glory. Not a sound in the silence stirred. Yes.. it was a beautiful night.

After 5 Years (I Miss You)

I dont know why I love you, but I do
The side of me you bring...
Pulling tears from deep inside,
When I should be happy,
Yet I still am.
I miss you.

Do I dare to admit, to myself,
That I love you a bit more,
Than I really should?
Missed opportunitys
And broken dreams
I miss you.

I´d forgotten the feeling, you.
But you re´woke the longing
I told myself I hated you
But I just cant
Nothing of me is truely mine
I miss you.

Endless... 5 years have gone so fast,
But a beat of the heart for us...
Moments we shared...
I miss your touch.
How can I say I´m alive?
I miss you.

Forever... a lifetime left to wait,
Makes me wish it would end today...
Just to see you,
To feel your love
I´m crying... I´ll never survive.
I miss you.

Deserted

Uprooted from
The safest place
That I have known for all my life
Scared of the road
Dont want to go
But I chose this path
It´s just for me
I want to go, but
It´s just too soon...
I´m not prepared -
What have I done?
Doubts, too late
And never knowing what will be...
Or how this bend in
Life will treat me
I´m scared, I want
To turn back, but I cant
It´s too late for that
What will be will be
Stepping into the dark...
God make me strong
I´m sorry I deserted thee.

Empty Worlds

A poem I realized I had but never posted. I LIKE IT ALOT. I wrote it in an insanely noisy bar during a Barca/Madrid match in Madrid. How it came out, i dont know. Inner essence being demanded to give a hand.

Life bleeding down

Life beating down

The muttered curse thats never leaving,

In the icy ground

Under earthen mound

A silent tear, forever grieving

My heart is bound,

To you, I've found,

Piece by piece my soul you're theiving.

Those arguments sound,

Like brews I've downed,

From witches lair in cauldron seething.

What goes comes 'round

My thoughts confound,

Broken feelings, barely breathing.

Felonies abound

All honesty drowned,

In empty worlds not even dreaming...

Follow

ok i know this is insufferably long... but it all just kinda came in a flash. Theres no rhyme or reason to it. And you wont understand it. Just take it as is.

FOLLOW
I dont care if what I have is good
I want to be where you are.

I sat before, and dreamt of rain
Of thunder so loud I´d run, hide in shame
Because that´s how it seemed,
In all those scenes,
Of you. Where you are.

So I followed you there.
But you had gone.
To somewhere else, where the sun would shine
At least I guessed,
For the immages were night.

But I was unhappy.
Because I wanted what you had.
To be where you were.

So I gave up my rain,
And my thunder so loud
And my lightning that flashed from
Cloud to frightful cloud...
To chase you down - to find you.
For I wanted to be "happy". Just like you.

But I didnt find. No nothing at all.
Just sun. Endless sun.
And you were gone. Again.
To lands unseen.
While I waited, ever so patiently
For the cool that night should bring.
And hopefully, the happiness
That I´d been missing.
The happiness you should have left.
The happiness that was you.
But it never came.

And I, in torment, grew dark.
Darker and darker still,
Till I blocked out the sun.
Then the cool came.
Oh and did it come
Icy cold it was, deep in the soul.
Because I could not find your world of happiness...
I created my own, of hate.

Then I saw you, in another place
That place no longer looked happy
But I wanted what you had.
And because it was so full of sadness,
I laid my cheek to the cool stone and wept
But I followed you still,
Because I wanted what you had.
Because I wanted to be like you.

Now you´ve gone completely.
My life should be empty, the void you´ve left.
But its not...
Because I hate you.
I´ve smashed the mirrors of my dreams
I´ve burnt the books of my desire
It´s all gone.

And all thats left from your lofty mutilation
Is the empty core of what was once me.
Eaten through, like a cankerous cancer,
My heart is withered,
My spirit faded.
See the work of your invisible hands.
Leave the shell that I´ve become.

Now I´ve gone my own path.
Now, you follow me.

Permanent Damage

Downing caffine,
Trying to bring back the spring
In my step, but it´s gone
Permanently.

Exhausted, and, un-naturally so,
Ran dry the normal enegery flow
And the reserves too, they´re gone
Permanently.

Try and fix me, and you´ll see
The life that´s bleeding
Right out of me, is going
Permanently.

It´s not my sleep - that´s just fine
It´s something more, but I cant find
The source, its hiding
Permanently.

My spirit? Could it be?
Is it dying? So slowly
Creeping away, leaving
Permanently?

The Beastling

It sees me
I´m fearing
I´m crouching, it´s nearing,
Searing my tearing eyes with
Spite from it´s leering smile...

The feeling
Sent reeling
It´s feasting, the beastling,
It´s eating my insides, and slowly,
I´m decomposing...

Try fleeing
I´m cowering,
It´s looming, over-powering
I´m dying, its feeding
On my mind´s fragile binds...

Four New Songs

AMNESTY

Contemplation
The things I wont release
In the midst of the battle
The fighting´s all but ceased.

Degeneration
The summer´s gone with the sun
The rising fears are mixed with tears
They´re falling, falling away from the Son.

(Chorus)
God the Father
Christ the Son
(Forgive me, forgive me)
The things I will not do,
The things I will not do...

Father could you forgive
An un-repentant child?
Would you grant an amnesty
For my foolish viles?

Proove me wrong again
Where is the light?
Proove me wrong again
There is no light...

(repeat chorus)

Grand me amnesty
The things I will not do...


GAME OVER

(God forgive me, for I have sinned...)
I left so many things undone when I left You,
Trying to end the fear with the dark
The fear and the pain,
It makes me fly
Killing this feeling
So much for the warior in me...

(Chorus)
I cant go on
Not being reborn
It´s the end of the game
It´s the end of the game
Game over
I can´t go on
Not being reborn
It´s the end of the game
Game over

I left so many things undone when I left You
I tried to be strong
I tried to be brave
Killing this feeling
So much for the warior in me...


FAINTLY FADING

Faithless, falling, dead again
Fearing fleeing the seas, but when
The waves, they come
To take me away
I run away
To be another day

(Chorus 1)
Not just another in the tide
Another in the tide

Now beats the winds call, it´s fading away
Faint, but pealing, to Hell I´ve strayed
They´re callng me
Before, I would have run
The waves, they come
I sink under the Sun

(Chorus 2)
Now just another in the tide
Another in the tide


THE BLACK

I can´t take this rejection anymore
The scars my heart wears
I beared to you my body
You took it as a sacrifice

(Chorus)
And now I´ve gone
Far away from here
My soul is uncovered
I´m believeing a lie
And now I´m strong
Stronger than the fears
My mind wants the black
I´m saying goodbye...

Why can´t you understand
Sometimes I just need to cry
These tears are long overdue
All I needed was love from you

(Repeat chorus)

Missing the Magic

A flash and its past
The magic has flown
The songbird so gaily
Flits gently away.

A beat and a call,
Of the wild wind, blowing
Untouched by the gale
Raised its head just to wail.

A cry and a moan,
Birthing child´s aborted,
They dont want you fool,
Life is just, but cruel.

A sigh and a tear.
Swallowing down fears
Missed wings to a lifetime
Going down with the sunshine.